The best of Louis CK's cold open from tonight's SNL:

inothernews:

  1. (Walking out to applause.) ”That’s very nice. I hope somebody does that for you someday.”
  2. "I hope you had a good day. That’s all I can do about it, is hope."
  3. "I got a white noise machine. You know what that is? It’s a machine that helps white people sleep at night."
  4. "Americans shouldn’t say,…
“The hardest thing about having kids is just the… All the… it’s just the days that you spend with them. That’s really the hardest part. It’s just every day that you have them is the hardest part of having kids. It’s just every day. It’s getting up at 6:00 in the morning, which, first of all, I’m not that guy. 6:00 in the morning, I have blown off entire careers because of one day I didn’t want to get out of bed. Like, “Oh, I’ll just not be that then.” I have to… first of all, I gotta get ‘em dressed. That’s number one. Because that’s the one that people will notice. That’s the only one… If that’s the only one that I get done, I’ll be okay. Because if I show up with two naked kids, I’ll go to jail, so I have to… But I cannot feed them. No, they’re fine, they ate, they’re just a little tired. It’s fine. And now I gotta get them to school, which means walking.”

“My friend was buying some tuna once and I asked him, you know, are you getting the kind that is dolphin safe that doesn’t hurt, and he’s one of these guys who’s just contrary just, you know — He’s like "so what! Who gives a crap, who cares! Screw that, screw the dolphins!" — for no reason, just to say "screw that" — And so I said "Well, but it’s cruel to kill dolphins", you know. And he said "Well what about the tuna? What about the tuna, why isn’t it cruel to kill the tuna?". And I said "that’s stupid, you know, because everybody knows that all tuna are assholes", I mean everybody knows that. They’re arrogant, they’re racist. They are.. Very elfish. Just stupid. — I’ll eat dolphin, I mean tuna.”

Louis CK Women vs Girls

"When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub."