ribcaqe said:
The bit about when he though he was gonna die on the airplane, Of Course, But Maybe, & the saddest handjob.

"That hand job was so tragic, there should be, like, a monument to that hand job with a reflecting pool where you just sit and think, oh, that was fucking sad." LOL

Louis CK Saddest Handjob in America

"My wife gave me a hand job the other day, and I gotta tell you that I think that that hand job was probably the saddest thing that ever happened in America, it really was- the saddest fucking thing. That hand job was so tragic, there should be, like, a monument to that hand job with a reflecting pool where you just sit and think, oh, that was fucking sad."

Louis CK: Of Course But Maybe - Oh My God (HD)

“Of course if you’re fighting for your country and you get shot or hurt, it’s a terrible tragedy,” explained CK.  “But maybe if you pick up a gun and go to another country and get shot, it’s not that weird.  Maybe if you get shot by the dude you were just shooting at, it’s kind of your fault.”

Louis CK on Conan

“Conan: Do you, umm, I dunno like, this is a big issue with kids and raising kids especially the kids that you have, ‘cause I have kids a similar age as you, is they all want the phones with the apps and we don’t let them have that stuff, but uh, it’s a “problem”. 
C.K.: I just don’t let ‘em have it, yeah, it’s easy. You just say “no, you can’t have it”. It’s, you know, it’s bad for you. “But I want it!” I don’t “care” what you want, that’s not even… It’s not even interesting. 
Conan: I love it, I love that “I don’t care what you want”. 
C.K.: Don’t care what you want.. I’m not there to make them happy.”

Louis C.K. struck out with Paltrow

“Conan: Do you remember the first christmas party?—Yes the first christmas—That was uh, ‘cause the early days of our show no one thought, I mean day to day we didn’t think we’re gonna be on the air the next day. It was just “us”, this tiny little group, we just kept making this show because we believed in it, and then we had a christmas party where, I mean, it was heating up the food with the little sterno. It was in a sort of a dive bar. 
C.K.: It was a shit bar. We got really, I got “really” drunk, everybody got really drunk, and Gwyneth Paltrow was there. 
Conan: Gwyneth Paltrow who was kind of “completely” unknown at the time—Young new actress—she had just been on the show, she was like the fourth person, the fourth guest that night—mhmm—because she had a small part, and we thought “she seems nice, you can come to our christmas party if you want!”—That’s right—and she came. 
C.K.: She came to the party, and I was hitting on her, and I was like heavily flirting with her. I was saying stuff to her like “we should you know, just get married, just go out and get married” and she was like “well!.. Okay…” and she’s just sort of taking it in stride—humoring you, yeah!—Humoring me! But I remember thinking “I think I’m gonna marry this really cute actress, and like, move to California and have a whole different life”, and then uh, I got really drunk and you were on stage singing a song with the band—yeah—and I stumble, I came “on” stage uninvited, and I got a trumpet and started blowing, I don’t play trumpet, I started blowing no noise into the trumpet [Conan laughs] and my face was all red, and I look down and I saw her looking at me with this like..”That man will never touch my body”.”

Louis C.K. "Guy On the Phone ,Y2K" - 5/4/99

“C.K.: You know that old 60s song that uh, you know “sign, sign, everywhere signs”, remember that song—yeah—the guy got really mad at “signs”? The whole song he’s like “breaking up the scenery, breaking my mind!”—Right, right—you know.. It’s like “oh okay well, no more signs then! No more, stop signs, take ‘em down, who needs those!” You know? 
Conan: “They’re breaking my mind!” 
C.K.: Yeah they’re, ugghh, they’re messing me up! Ya know. Who needs those stop signs? You know, and at the end of the song he’s like “so I made my own little sign, and it said “I’m doin’ fine”” Well see; he’s a hypocrite, you know? The whole song’s about signs, they’re awful, […] I “hate” that guy! 
Conan: That guy’s a bad guy. 
C.K.: He’s awful! And then even I hate to go on about a 30 year old song for 10 minutes, but then there’s a part in the middle where he goes “I saw a sign said “long haired freaky people need not apply””—right, right—And first of all; no you didn’t, you didn’t see the sign. You’re a “liar”. He’s trying to get people mad about something that he made up—there was never a sign—and it’s not fair.”

What’s your favorite Louis CK joke?

The best of Louis CK's cold open from tonight's SNL:


  1. (Walking out to applause.) ”That’s very nice. I hope somebody does that for you someday.”
  2. "I hope you had a good day. That’s all I can do about it, is hope."
  3. "I got a white noise machine. You know what that is? It’s a machine that helps white people sleep at night."
  4. "Americans shouldn’t say,…